Invisible Force, Part 1
It was the middle of the night, and I was in a deep sleep. My daughter, probably in second or third grade, came to my bed. She couldn’t go back to sleep. Frustrated, I sternly told her to go back to bed because I didn’t know how to help anymore.
This was not the first time. Both my husband and I tried to teach her different techniques to help her sleep. Counting sheep. Listening to white noise. Melatonin. I even told her about what I used to do after waking up from nightmares. Turn on the bedside light and stare at it for as long as I could. That helped me. Why couldn’t she figure it out?!
I think back to that night with so much regret. I believe all my daughter needed from me was not how to fix it, but just comfort. The one thing I swore I wouldn’t do was climb into bed with her and hold her because I believed she needed to learn how to fall asleep on her own. I didn’t want her to depend on me.
Why?
Because I told myself at a young age that I didn’t need anyone. I could do it myself.
Why?
Because the one person I depended on left. And if I depended on others they might leave me too and hurt me in the process.
Comfort is a deep core need in all of us, and I denied my daughter that need because of my own inner wounds and beliefs.
This my friends is what Jonice Webb in her book Running on Empty calls the “invisible force.” The invisible force that affects how we deal with our current relationships is what didn’t happen to us growing up. The things we don’t remember or think it’s too far back into our past to really matter.
“Many fine, high-functioning, capable people secretly feel unfulfilled or disconnected. “Shouldn’t I be happier?” “Why haven’t I accomplished more?” “Why doesn’t my life feel more meaningful?” These are questions which are often prompted by the invisible force at work. They are often asked by people who believe that they had loving, well-meaning parents, and who remember their childhood as mostly happy and healthy. So they blame themselves for whatever doesn’t feel right as an adult. They don’t realize that they are under the influence of what they don’t remember…the invisible force.” – Jonice Webb
Jonice calls this invisible force CEN – Childhood Emotional Neglect.
ALL parents at some point or other cause some emotional neglect in their children without causing too much harm, but it “only becomes a problem when it is of a great enough breadth or quantity to gradually emotionally “starve” the child” and the “parents are deaf and blind to the emotional needs of their growing child.” (Jonice Webb)
Many times these invisible forces will pass on from generation to generation because that is all we know. We believe this is how we are supposed to act, behave or respond because that is how our family did it. We don’t even realize that there might be a different way and even a healthier way.
So what is healthy emotional attachment?
“Looking at emotional health through the lens of attachment theory, we can identify three essential emotional skills in parents:
The parent feels an emotional connection to the child.
The parent pays attention to the child and sees him as a unique and separate person, rather than, say, an extension of him or herself, a possession or a burden.
Using that emotional connection and paying attention, the parent responds competently to the child’s emotional need.”
I failed my daughter when she emotionally needed me because I wanted to build in her a strong individual who didn’t have to rely on others. In theory, this sounds good. We want our children to be strong individuals, “but if there is an absence of such validation of a child’s importance to the parent, if a child is made to feel shame for wanting or needing attention from one parent or the other often enough, she will grow up being blind to many of her own emotional needs.” (Jonice Webb)
I am so grateful that God convicted my heart. At this time I wasn’t aware of CEN. It would take almost 4-5 years before I discovered Jonice’s book, but I knew then that I had to change my behavior or I was going to hurt my relationship with my daughter.
Now, when she needs me, I am there. I will lay in bed with her, holding her in my arms, and just give comfort. No mom words of wisdom. Just lovingly connecting with her sweet spirit. Letting her know in that moment, that she means the world to me.
Isn’t that what we all crave?
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. Psalm 91:4
Photo by Gary Bendig on Unsplash
Please join me next week as we look at Jonice Webb’s twelve ways we end up empty. Make sure to subscribe so you can get my blogs in your email!
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