Our Fathers
When I began my transformative journey, God laid it on my heart that we needed to go deep. Deep inside. To the unknown and known hurts from my childhood. To the patterns of relating that I learned young. To the formed beliefs about others. To the inner curses I placed on my life. However, there was one area in my life that God needed to start with first because it would affect our journey moving forward.
What was(is) my relationship like with my father, my earthly father?
Well, that’s easy because I have an amazing father! He would do anything for me and he loves me. He worked hard to put food on our table and financially supported me in college. Sometimes he would quietly slip me some money when I would visit. He would periodically come to my games in high school and was there at my graduations and birth of my children. I know I can always count on him to be there for me.
But God pushed me to dig deeper.
What were some of my earliest memories of my dad?
I remember watching him as a little girl fix the car. The time he let me slip into his bed to sleep after having a terrible nightmare. Getting up early with him to go put up soccer nets and the time he coached my soccer team.
More. Dig deeper.
What were some of the hard and hurtful memories? What did you long for as a child in relation to your father?
Before I go any further please understand this…I am not asking you to dishonor your father by bringing up unpleasant memories. No one is perfect and even our parents have their own judgments and feelings about their own parents and as a result brought those hurts and habits into their parenting. And we ourselves are not perfect parents, bringing into our parenting the inner hurts and habits that affect our children. No one is perfect.
Photo by Any Lane on Pexels.com
What I am encouraging you to do is examine the feelings, judgments and beliefs that you have formed as a child to those experiences. Because according to John and Paula Sanford in their book Transforming the Inner Man,
“Total transformation of our hearts cannot be fully realized until we lay the ax to the roots. Roots lie hidden, beneath the surface.”
For some, maybe you didn’t even know your father. You might be thinking that there are no memories so you don’t need to proceed. I want to encourage you to dig deep and find the feelings that awaken in you when you acknowledge that there was no father in your life. What are those longings, beliefs or judgments that the little girl inside of you believed?
For some, it may be too painful to think of those memories. Maybe your father was abusive or maybe he abandoned you. I want to assure you that Jesus wants to heal those wounds.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
He wants to free you from the pain and hurt because it will bring you freedom and more importantly it will bring you closer to Him. He wants you to take those memories and bring them to Him so that the roots can be dug out and no longer allowed to grow and strangle the life out of you.
So, I began to examine those tough memories and the longing of my childhood heart. I began to realize that I longed for an emotional connection. To be truly known by my parents. I became aware that I had formed this way of relating that desired for people to ask me questions about my life. To show an interest in me. To see how I was doing. And if they didn’t, I felt like I didn’t matter. And if I am going to be truly transparent with you, I will admit that God began to show me that I was using this “wait and see if they ask about me” as a kind of test, especially with my husband. I didn’t even realize I was doing it. A perfect example of our wounds oozing out and affecting others and our self without even realizing it.
Now the big question. Why does all of this matter?
“Our hidden and forgotten judgments, especially against our fathers and mothers, prevent us from seeing God as He is.” – John and Paul Sanford
God opened my eyes to see that my expectations of Him and my relationship with Him was just the same as my earthly father.
I always knew God loved me and would be there for me if I needed Him. He was my Savior and Lord and he would never forsake me. But I didn’t believe in my heart that He wanted an intimate relationship, an emotional connection with me. I didn’t believe that little ‘ole me, a speck of dust in this universe, mattered that much to Him.
But in His gracious way, He began to show me through scripture, music, podcasts and others, just how much He wanted to be that person in my life who wants to know EVERYTHING about me. Even the little things.
He didn’t just want to be the Savior who I pray to at night. He wanted me to talk to Him throughout my day.
Photo by Juan Pablo Serrano Arenas on Pexels.com
Because I mattered to Him.
Bathed in my Savior’s overwhelming love, and knowing He wanted to walk with me on my journey instead of just watching from the stands, WE were ready for the journey.
What about you?
It doesn’t matter how loving and well-intentioned your father was, we are looking through a skewed, immature filter of a child. We perceived situations as a child and formed inner beliefs within our conscious that stays with us. Hidden and buried. And yet somehow it finds a way to ooze into our hearts and minds and as a result we bleed on others.
I’m challenging you to dig. No matter how hard it is, know that there is freedom and healing on the other side.
Did you have a father who worked a lot and didn’t interact with you very much?
Did you have a father that maybe didn’t take you seriously and didn’t really acknowledge your opinions?
Was he physically or sexually abusive?
Was he physically present, but emotionally absent?
Was he a little too controlling?
Did he have a favorite child that wasn’t you?
Did he cheat on your mom?
Was he spiritually or emotionally abusive?
Did he not protect you?
Was he angry a lot?
Was he an unforgiving man?
The list could go on. But again, I want to encourage you. Keep digging and keep asking God to reveal to you the inner beliefs about your father. Because…
“Until we are able to forgive our natural fathers for the hurts they may have caused in our hearts and repent for the judgments we have formed against them, we will not be able to truly see God as gentle, kind and lovingly present in our lives.” – John and Paula Sanford.
“Only the places we allow the love of God to fully penetrate will be satisfied and therefore liberated.” – Beth Moore
For those who’s wounds are deep and painful, I want to encourage you to seek someone, whether a pastor, friend, counselor or support group, so that you may be able to start putting a voice to those wounds. Give that hurt little girl inside of you a voice to grieve. There’s something freeing in saying it out loud to another person. Celebrate Recovery is an amazing support group that is anonymous and it allows you to talk through your hurts without judgment and be able to hear others who feel the same. It doesn’t have to be Celebrate Recovery, but community is where you’ll be heard, acknowledged and supported.
Choose today to begin living from your heart instead of your hurts.
“Then you will call, and the Lord will answer, you will cry for help, and He will say; Here I am.” Isaiah 58:9
Lord, help us to be courageous in order to venture deep into the wounds of our hearts and be able to lay them at the foot of the cross.
Send me a message if you would like some resources to healing the wounds inside. I have read many books along my journey and I am happy to share those with you.
Comments