RBF, Covid19 and the Condition of My Heart Part 1
(Published on Facebook April 13, 2020)
A couple of years ago, I took an actor branding class. The purpose was to figure out our “type.” We were to show up to class dressed how we perceived our type to be so I came dressed in a skirt and nice top. I tried to look “motherly” as those were the types of roles I tended to get.
One by one we stood in front of the class, and the students would tell you what kind of job you would most likely have or the role you could play in film. All this was based on their first impressions of you.
Yikes.
Here we go…I stood up front feeling very vulnerable and yet curious as to what they would say about me.
Teacher. Mom of teens. Lawyer. Wife. Nurse.
Judgmental b*#ch.
Wait. What?????!
The instructor said I had a judgmental b*#ch look. Ouch. But hey, there are lots of commercials that have the judgmental character. Ouch. You even have RBF (for those who don’t know what that means, it stands for Resting B*#ch Face). Ouch.
The arrows penetrated my heart as I stood up there, and I tried really hard not to cry. In my head, I agreed that I really can play the b*#ch part very well. But my heart resisted. I don’t want people to look at me and see b*#ch. It’s the last thing I wanted. It’s not me. If you only knew me and my heart you wouldn’t say that. But did I really know or even want to know what was deep in my heart?
Since that day, I have tried really hard to work on my RBF. To bring light into my eyes. A slight smile on my face. But those were outward behavior changes. Something more significant was happening inside of me.
God began to open my eyes to what was periodically leaking out of my heart – pride, judgment, criticism, self-righteousness.
And boy did that hurt, but He is so gracious and so patient with us. He continues to love me even when those dastardly emotions creep into my thoughts.
And just when you think you have those vices under control, Covid19 hits. I felt led to write a long post about the divisiveness and shaming I have seen in regards to the various actions we are supposed to take in regards to this virus. Despite even admitting that I am just as guilty, I came out throwing punches. In my mind, I wanted to speak the truth in love. I was doing the right thing (or so I thought). But throwing punches just doesn’t make the cut in the love realm.
Eventually I began to realize that I was criticizing those who were criticizing.
Instead of coming from a place of vulnerability I was coming from a place high up on my throne.
Luckily, I have some beautiful souls in my life who I shared my first draft with before going public. Unfortunately though, they took the brunt of it, but their graciousness and love for me led to sound advice and encouragement instead of condemnation. Most importantly, we have a heavenly Father who knows the condition of our hearts. He knows our struggles, our vices and the things that take us away from Him. The amazing part is that he loves us anyway. And in His sweet, patient way, He reminds us..
“All a man’s ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs the heart.” Prov. 21:2
Thank you Lord, for your patience in our lives and for lovingly bringing us back to your Truth.
“I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.” Eph. 1:17-19 (NIV)
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