The Seen and Unseen
As I scroll through Facebook or Instagram, I will come upon many memes like the one below.
Some of the other memes say,
“We need to look where we are going, not where we’ve been”
“Our past is in the past. Let it stay there!”
“Leave the past in the past.”
And people respond, “Amen!”
About 5 years ago, I would have said Amen as well because probably like everyone else, we think of Philippians 3: 13b-14. “But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Bam! There you have it! Right there in black and white. We have to forget what lies behind us. I would not be a faithful Christian if I brought up my past, right?
Well, one thing I have learned in my Bible reading is to make sure and read everything within context. If we read what Paul is talking about before that verse, he is commenting on his extraordinary resume, not his unhealed wounds.
So that which lies behind Paul, which he is committed to “forget,” is all the great stuff on his spiritual CV that formerly shaped his identity. It was all his accomplishments, his law-keeping, his zeal for God, and his righteousness. He sets all these things aside so he might obtain new life, resurrection, through knowing Jesus and becoming like him. Peter Krol, Context Matters: Forgetting What Lies Behind
The lie that our past needs to stay in the past was shattered as my husband and I sat on our couch reading a book that was recommended to us called How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. The front of the book read, “Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage,” which led us to believe we were going to read just another marriage book. However, we quickly discovered this book was not your typical put-a-band-aid-on-the-problem type book. It was an eye-opening-look-at-our-past type book that set us on a journey of inner healing and discovery.
Through their own personal journey, Milan and Kay “discovered the unseen forces that determined how we loved.” They discovered the power of asking why (and/or how). They discovered that finding and healing the source of the pain was better than treating the symptoms.
On my journey, I discovered there are unseen forces as well as seen forces that wound us. Another way of saying it is that there are two types of traumas that can happen to us. The first type of trauma is the kind that happens to us. It is all the bad stuff that happens like physical, sexual or emotional abuse, divorce, war, death of a loved one, rape, and/or natural disaster. These are typically easy to remember because of the depth of the wounding.
The other type of trauma that exists is all the things that should have happened to us or for us. These are all the good things that we should have received growing up which contributes to our emotional stability.
“…what didn’t happen has as much or more power over who you have become as an adult than any of those events you do remember.” Dr. Jonice Webb, Running on Empty
Dr. Webb calls this type of trauma, “childhood emotional neglect,” and some examples of long-term effects like disconnection, unhappiness, unfulfillment , and/or feelings of no purpose or meaningfulness can be seen in adults as a result.
In Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You, James G. Friesen, et. al gives some examples of this type of unseen trauma:
“Not being cherished and celebrated by one’s parents simply by virtue of one’s existence.”
“Not having a parent take the time to understand who you are – encouraging you to share who you are, what you think and what you feel.”
“Not being given adequate food, clothing, shelter, medical and dental care.”
“Not being taught how to do hard things – to problem solve, and to develop persistence.”
“Not receiving large amounts of non-sexual physical nurturing – laps to sit on, arms to hold you, and willingness to let you go when you have had enough.”
Milan & Kay Yerkovich would add to this list, not receiving comfort when emotionally upset or hurt.
Most of us will have this type of wounding in our life. It’s inevitable in a broken world with broken people. I have apologized to my kids many times telling them I have probably hurt them in some emotional way that has left a scar on their hearts. There are memories that I can think of that might have emotionally hurt them, and have apologized for those, but they will one day have to connect those hurts with the lies and strongholds that have taken hold of their hearts and affected their own relationships and way of living.
Marcus Warner in his book Understanding the Wounded Heart, has even added two more areas of wounding: wounds of comparison (comparing ourselves to others and not feeling like we measure up) and wounds of perception (when emotions respond through a perceived reality, even if it is not based in truth).
For a long time I believed my parents divorce and my mother’s decision to move away didn’t affect me because it happened when I was very young. I was actually grateful that I was young and didn’t have many memories of it. Boy was I wrong. It has had a huge impact on my marriage and family because of my fear of abandonment, and that fear subtly influenced every decision I had made. Even though I had few memories, they were still there in my brain affecting my life.
“Those who study the human brain tell us that nearly everything that happens to us is committed to memory. The memories are all there, encoded in our brains…Among the memories, then, are some or perhaps many that are painful. If we lived every day conscious of all our memories, especially of those carrying pain, we would not be able to function. Knowing this, God has built into us the ability to relegate most memories to unconsciousness and repress those that are especially unpleasant. ” – Charles Kraft, Deep Wounds, Deep Healing
Our wounds, seen and unseen, will continue to fester and ooze onto others until we allow God to heal them.
When God called me to dig deeper, He was calling me to look at my childhood wounds. The first step in my wound healing was to become aware that yes, those wounds were there and impacting me and my family currently, and I no longer wanted to be that person who bled all over my family. This was another layer that needed to come off. I call it the layer of blindness and denial.
As we move, layer by layer, I am continually reminded that God is the only one who can open our eyes to what needs to change in our lives, but we need to be willing and ready to ask Him to do just that.
So my prayer for us comes from Ephesians 1:17-18. “I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people.”
Lord, may you give us the Spirit of wisdom and revelation so that we may know you better. Open the eyes of our hearts to see the areas in our lives that need healing that only you can provide. Give us courage to lay our lives down in surrender. Peel back our layers so we may know the hope to which You have called us. Amen.
Photo by Monika Grabkowska on Unsplash
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